No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
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Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS