No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
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Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.