NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
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Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
listen closely
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.