Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭

them: do you think about other people when you have sex

me: when I have what now

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

lol

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie

The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?