NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
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If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.