No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
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Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing