@gingerfaced

No, you hang up first.

Me to Pizza Hut

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@tastefactory

Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*

@pittdave13

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

@Gupton68

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

@fro_vo

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

@KeetPotato

me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]

@mackswift

Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.

@_elvishpresley_

Bat 1: do you think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?

Bat 2: (startled) who said that

@TheMichaelRock

It’s not really a random act of kindness if you planned it, photographed it, and posted it to social media.

@GreenishDuck

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.