No, you hang up first.

Me to Pizza Hut

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Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*


Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point


Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.


can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer


me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]


Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.


Bat 1: do you think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?

Bat 2: (startled) who said that


It’s not really a random act of kindness if you planned it, photographed it, and posted it to social media.


My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.