“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
You Might Also Like
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
How software testing works
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”