“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
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the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.