No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
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“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
🙂🙃🥹
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags