No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
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True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that