No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
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A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
Something Saturday.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam