No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
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SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
SQUARREL
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*