Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

To the person that stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts.

No you shut up 😂🥳

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish

Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else

8, peering closely at me: what’s that?

Me: my necklace

8: How do you know?

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.

“You need to take better care of yourself.”

– four physicians that I’ve outlived

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!

Henchman: In the h-

K: In the stomach, yes!

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

Got a new high score on my bathroom scale

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.