No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
You Might Also Like
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
what are they serving at kfc then???
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes