No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
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BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know