Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”

I said ” scissors” and drove off

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?

The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.

USA: …

World: right?

USA: …

World: RIGHT?

USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys

Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash

It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.