No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
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Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.