Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?

Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.

Me two seconds later: Oh no!

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?

Me: That depends. How old are you?

11: I’m eleven.

Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha

11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

do what now??

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

my lawyer: deny everything

me: no

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.