No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
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Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Oh my God.
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I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
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584.
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Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.