No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
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I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.