Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

Me: We will leave in a little bit

8: After you put your makeup on?

Me: I have my makeup on!

8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty

Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.

Probably.

If I can just remember where the hell…

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency

I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

4yo: Bam!

Me: Excuse me?!

7yo: He didn’t say dammit!

2yo: Dammit?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.

Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.