No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
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Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
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People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
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on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
lmao
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me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow