Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news

me: ok what’s the good news

lab assistant: you got an a on your test

me: ok…and?

lab assistant: it’s hepatitis

Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”

Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

Vet: We have to put his dog down

Assistant: You tell him

Vet: No, you

Assistant: You!

Vet: YOU!

John Wick: What are you two whispering about?

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.

Wife: Don’t you mean for?

Me: Sure. That too.

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

roman lesbians: *caesaring*

I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

I like my women how I like my straws ….

Bendy and full of liquor.

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.

If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too

scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus

ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer

My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.