Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
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I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*