No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
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WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”