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When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Deer are just ballerina dogs
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”
2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.