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I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language