No YOUR a grammar nazi!
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Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
This is my pinned tweet
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.