Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.

Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party

Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

grandma: more potatoes?

me: sure

*3 hours later*

grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?

me: *locking eyes* sure

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

😂