No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
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ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I might carry a baby with one hand.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..