No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
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According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
not to brag, but mine was free
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?