Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read

Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.

Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”

My niece: ok grammar

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

Best spot.. 😅

I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

WHO DID THIS?

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Seals are like dog mermaids who bite, so, like dog mermaids.

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.

For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”