No, YOUR illiterate.
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When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.