No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
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Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Seems legit
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I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
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I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
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ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me