No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
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20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
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Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
my one true gender
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”