No, YOU’RE a nary tract infection

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Contrary to obvious physics, you can’t attach a ceiling fan to your back and fly away like a helicopter.


Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?


Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.


When one door closes, another opens. Also, you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work. How do you know so little about doors?


The story of Snow White teaches us something very important: NEVER eat fruit.


I accidentally hit my ex-girlfriend today going 85mph with my car on purpose.


I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell


I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.


Probably the hardest part about being a dj is when you get into a fight and you gotta hold your headphones up to your ear with one shoulder.


@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.