@Sickayduh

No, YOU’RE a nary tract infection

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@fightforfood

Contrary to obvious physics, you can’t attach a ceiling fan to your back and fly away like a helicopter.

@captain_happen

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

@stephenjmolloy

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

@TheFearBoners

When one door closes, another opens. Also, you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work. How do you know so little about doors?

@IamEnidColeslaw

The story of Snow White teaches us something very important: NEVER eat fruit.

@BonaFideIntent

I accidentally hit my ex-girlfriend today going 85mph with my car on purpose.

@_The_Man__

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

@Stap_Jr

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

@ibid78

Probably the hardest part about being a dj is when you get into a fight and you gotta hold your headphones up to your ear with one shoulder.

@KLC47

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.