“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
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happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I just ran a .003048K
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.