Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

ew if literal: let me be clear

him: I think we should see other people

me: is that on hulu or netflix

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

BaD BoY!!

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.

Millennials: we share all of our feelings.

Gen X: feelings?

“You got any plans tonight?”

Me: Yeah, sorry I do

The plans:

My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*

ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish

moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike

moving in: you know what this place could use…

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it

I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes