Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

who did the taste test?

I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.

I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.

Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

did you know that before the crowbar was invented,

crows used to drink at home….

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”

– every stoplight

“Oh, I like your coat!”

“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

[David Attenborough voice]

and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.