no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
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my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants