no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
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My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
no one likes gloating
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time