“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
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Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.