no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
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Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*