no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
You Might Also Like
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”