no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
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just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
The Sun
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while