Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

Siri, fight Alexa.

Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”

Me:

A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?

hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

I’m sure it’s fine.

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.

Dudes named Chance never had one.

*arouses suspicion*

Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.