No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
You Might Also Like
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*