No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
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A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Heroic Misunderstanding
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet