No, you’re not getting it your honor
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You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
me hooking up with my ex
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
That’s classic.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9