Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.

*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*

Me: what?

Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.

PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!

If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.

Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.

Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.

Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.

[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”