No, you’re not getting it your honor
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Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
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Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
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Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
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me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.