Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

Stop undressing me with your eyes!!

Use your teeth.

Coworker: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy

The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work

People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.

My mother’s maiden name is Password.

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week

Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages

Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume