No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
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Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
mood
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
58.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
checking out some reviews of my local library
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Everyone is getting idioter.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
This trial is so absurd 😭
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3