“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
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God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Maybe the reason violence never solves anything is cuz theres never enough of it, you dont know.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT