Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*

*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”

14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.

What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.

Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no