@DaddyJew

No, YOUUU had a kid just so you could have someone to eat pizza and play video games with

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@PaperWash

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

@userjaymes

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

@graceupongracie

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

@StinkyGr33n

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

@salamingia

*Pays $450 for ticket to hockey game.

*spends the whole game on iPhone.

@EndhooS

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds