No, YOUUU had a kid just so you could have someone to eat pizza and play video games with

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I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.


Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.


I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you’ll live forever


One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.


One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”


Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.


It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft


My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”


You can sign up for as many karate classes as you want there is literally no one monitoring this







4-year-old: The dog.