Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
No, YOUUU had a kid just so you could have someone to eat pizza and play video games with
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Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
*Pays $450 for ticket to hockey game.
*spends the whole game on iPhone.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds