@DaddyJew

No, YOUUU had a kid just so you could have someone to eat pizza and play video games with

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

@carlyken

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

@TheMichaelRock

I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you’ll live forever

@dulcetry

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

@caseytduncan

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

@PleaseBeGneiss

Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.

@InternetHippo

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

@Caissie

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

@Karate_Horse

You can sign up for as many karate classes as you want there is literally no one monitoring this

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old: The dog.