“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
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My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents