“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
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Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.