“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
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If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!