Noah
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On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
In Canada they just call them geese
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit