Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

I know

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

It’s complicated.

-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.

I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?

Me: …a daughter.

Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up