Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know

My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”

*BLOCKED*

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump

👍

Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️