Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?

Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire

Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?

Firefighter: No

Wife *slides him $20* what about now

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

STOP disrespecting my family

my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG

my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE

my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND

me

my grandmother is A SAINT

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.

Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

Believing everything you read on the internet is the key

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.

Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]

My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.