Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
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Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.