Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.

What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.

Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

Many hands make light work

Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.

Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance

…..pretty much.

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.

Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!

Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”

Me: because I’m not Native American?

My dad: no because you’re still alive

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately

chief: anything we can do?

detective: sure, lock homes

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.