Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now

Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′

Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be

Me: in a duck costume

Kurt Cobain: not like that

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream

Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.

My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.

[getting arrested for public nudity]

Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD

Me: …

Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman