Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
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I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.